You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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