So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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