Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
