when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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