Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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