from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
