I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
