i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
