I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
