So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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