Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
