TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
