Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
