i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
