i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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