I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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