I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
