if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
