If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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