New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
