I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
