no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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