just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm too high and old for this...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
