I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
