There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize