guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
