just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
