in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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