You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
