Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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