I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
