the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize