I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
