Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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