No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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