Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
