FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
