I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
