I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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