last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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