I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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