Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
