I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
