I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
