just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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