I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize