Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
