It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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