after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
