She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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