I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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