me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize