I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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