Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
