im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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