He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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