If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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