It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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