Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
