Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
