I think my fart just growled at me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
