Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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