Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
