Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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