theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
