Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
