the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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