Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
