I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
How's work?
Spinning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
