Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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