I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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