dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
