I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
