i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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